November

Coming at you earlier than normal this month and proud of myself for writing my November blog in the actual month of November. Go me. 

While I could easily go for the cliché blog post of gratitude and thankfulness in the month of November, I think I’ll talk about body fat instead. Lol What a goon. I’ve been thinking a lot about weight and bodies and fat and muscle and I feel like I’ve been learning a lot that I want to share. Hopefully it’s relatable and encouraging and slightly entertaining for you dear reader. 

At the beginning of the summer I joined a new gym in Waterloo called Numa. It’s been such a blessing to me for many reasons. First of all, it gave me an opportunity to exercise with my mom and sister. Elizabeth and I are pretty competitive with each other and working out together is motivating and fun. Whenever we’re next to each other, we always seem to be the loudest in the room and it’s slightly embarrassing but also really funny. I’ll admit it here just for her, she is stronger than me at many of the workouts. She’s a beast actually. Life is really busy for us, so getting time together at the gym has been a sweet gift. 

I like Numa because of the way it is set up- the workouts are all planned out. You just go and do what they tell you to do for as long as I tell you to do it. And then you’re done. It takes all of the prepping and planning out of exercise which I appreciate because there’s so much prepping and planning in my day-to-day life. It’s nice to just follow a program. 

I’ve also met some really awesome ladies in those classes that have become gym friends. Which is weird but cool. Working out with somebody bonds you in a strange way and it’s been neat being supported and encouraged by women that I didn’t know existed before I started. 

Along with those positive experiences, Numa really has helped me transform my body. Since starting in May, I have lost 40 pounds. I’ve shed a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle. I’m proud of myself and I’ve seen huge changes in my body over these months. 

While I’m thankful for the weight loss and all the positives it has brought to my life, one thing that I’ve come to realize is that I’ve been thinking about my body way more than when I was not trying to lose weight. And I’m annoying myself. I’ve been noticing that I have been a lot harsher towards myself and the way that I look. I’ve been putting myself down and being overly critical and unkind. I’ve even had a handful of people ask me lately why I’m so hard on myself and speaking such negative words. And it’s a great question really because it makes no sense on the surface level. If being skinnier is the true end goal, then I should be feeling better and more confident and happier with the way that I look. Because I am skinnier now. But lately I haven't been feeling better or more confident or happier with the way that I look. The opposite has been true actually. I’ve been majorly noticing all of my flaws and fixating on how much fat I have on my body and all the ways it’s not perfect. What the heck is up with that? 

I’m wrestling with this. I don’t know why my pant size is shrinking but my self-doubt is growing. I can’t really tell you why I’m losing fat on my stomach but gaining insecurity in my heart. I don’t want to be this way. It’s not worth my peace. 

The truth is, before I was losing weight, I rarely thought about my body. I almost never felt bad about the way I looked because it just wasn’t anything that was taking up space in my brain. But now, as I am trying to lose weight, sometimes it’s all I can think about. Which is not good. Or healthy. Or helpful. 

As I’ve been reflecting on these things, I’m once again coming back to the realization that skinnier isn’t the goal, healthier is. Maybe the problem is that I’ve been focusing too much on the “skinnier” part. 

So where do I go from here? 

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This is what I wrote last week. I ended with that question and then closed my laptop because I really didn't have an answer. I battle with these blog posts often because working through thoughts and feelings can take some time, and I feel weird about sharing my struggles without being able to wrap it up in a nice bow and present a solution. But that’s real life isnt it? We don't always get an answer right away. We don't always know how to handle things. There isn't always an obvious solution. I thought about deleting all that and starting over here, but I want to share how I process these blogs, and also how I process these thoughts. It’s all part of it. Social media gives us a platform to show off the best parts of ourselves while keeping people out of the hard and not-so-pretty parts. And while I want to do that here, I don't really want to do that here. So I’ll keep all that up, even though I don't know exactly how to solve that problem. 

But what I do know is that often, time can give a little perspective. I havent come back to this blog for several days until now. And in those days I've had time to talk about this with people I love and trust. I’ve had time to journal and reflect. I’ve had time to pray. Sounds dramatic, but time has been helpful here. And so was writing all that out. It’s why journaling is powerful. Getting our thoughts out of our head has a way of clearing things up. If you don't write out your thoughts and feelings and experiences, you should. Give it a try. See if it helps untangle some things in your brain and heart. 

There is no perfect body. There is no weight or pant size that is going to make me feel like I’ve arrived. I don't have a number I’m looking for on the scale. It can't be about that because health is more than that. My life is now. I refuse to continue obsessing over the end goal. And I also need to stop talking and thinking in such a negative way about myself. Even in these last 4 or 5 days I’ve been much more intentional about cutting back on those things, and I feel WAY better. Negative thoughts and words are like poison. I would never ever talk to a friend the way I talk to or about myself. It’s wrong for other people, and it’s wrong for me. Just because I feel a certain way, I don't have to live in those feelings. I actually can choose what I allow to exist in my brain. I can remind myself that I am not perfect, I never will be, and all I can do is the best that I can do. 

So I will continue to make choices that promote health. I will continue to move my body because it makes me feel strong. I will continue to eat nutritious food because it makes me think clearly and fuels my body. I will continue to read my Bible because it strengthens my soul. I will continue to spend time with the people that I love because they make me laugh and feel seen. I will continue to walk in gratitude (well there’s that cliche November blog topic I said I was avoiding) because it changes my perspective. And you can be sure, when Thursday rolls around, I will continue to live my best life by eating a glorious piece of pumpkin pie because it’s the only real choice to make. 

Goodbye for now my friends.