April

 It’s April and if I had to pick a word to describe this month, it would be Yo-Yo. Weird right? And I guess that’s actually two words?!? Not sure about that one. 


I can't stop changing my mind. Mainly about my health and fitness. It’s just crazy to me how my feelings and motivation and determination can fluctuate so stinking much. Sometimes, I feel all in - like I will do literally whatever it takes to lose weight. And other times it feels like I’d rather step in a puddle with socks on and then walk over a pit of legos than ever even think about eating a carrot again. What is with that? I’ve created fitness plans and workout routines that will carry me into the next decade, and on other days I’ve wondered if I can sit long enough on my couch that my butt will permanently mold into the cushions. What is with that? Some moments I’ve been excited for summer, and others I’ve been full of dread over the thought of shorts and swimming suits and exposed arms. What is with that? I’ve had thoughts that losing weight will be worth whatever it costs me, and other thoughts that I’m perfectly happy being fat and the work it will take to lose it is for SURE not worth it. What is with that? I’ve felt motivated, lazy, determined, and apathetic as heck. WHAT IS WITH THAT?!


I cannot be the only one who feels this way can I?!?


I went through a yo-yo phase as a cool young lady just like the rest of the 90s babies did. I have one in my office at work which the kids love, so yo-yos are for some strange reason still in my life. I could research a ton of info on yo-yos but there can't be that much right?! I do know this about yo-yos, gravity really does it’s thing and it’s MUCH easier for the yo-yo to fall down than it is to get it back up. Its go to move is to fall, to extend itself as far as its little rope will take it, and to just stay down. Talk about a metaphor huh?!?


BUT, I also know that it can come back up. It does take more work, more effort, and more practice, but it does come back up. And actually, once that thing finds its rhythm, it kinda bounces back up on its own. I guess that’s the part of the metaphor I need to focus on. 


To be honest, I don't really know what to do at this point. I feel stuck in the yo-yo loop. I do know I want to be healthy. I do know I want to feel good about the way I look and the space I take in this world. I also know it’s really hard to lose weight and not very fun. 


It’s not fair to compare my body or my health to other people, because I’m not like them and they’re not like me. But I’ve gotten caught up in that lately. 


Maybe I need to find my motivation. Why do I want to lose weight? If it’s purely for physical appearances, I reject that. I still stand firm to the belief that I am so much more than my body size. A person isn't inherently better because they are skinnier than me. Whenever those types of thoughts pop up, I reject them immediately because they are dangerous and harmful and extremely unhelpful. What I do know is that I want to live a long life. I want to be able to experience adventures and keep up with the kids in my world. I want to be able to move and run and play without getting majorly out of breath. I know I’m young and healthy, but I also know that extra weight can have a negative impact on my organs and body as I age. Those reasons seem better to me. And it’s for those reasons that I’m not throwing in the towel.


I want to get out of the thought patterns that I just need to put my head down and power through whatever it takes to lose the weight and then get back to normal life. That’s a yo-yo thought pattern and the one I’ve been living in my entire life. I want health to BE my normal life. But how do I do that in a world that has cookie dough ice cream tubs for 4 dollars and a body type that is hardwired to store fat like we’re living through a zombie apocalypse and every calorie needs to be tucked away and saved for later?!? Dang it’s hard. But I want to figure it out. And I’ll keep trying. 


I wish I could end this blog with some profound secret that will change my life and yours too. But I don't have it. So I’ll just tell you my goal moving forward: consistency. I am trying to build consistency in my life that creates patterns of good choices that will lead me to where I want to be. And maybe I can build that yo-yo momentum that’s gonna pick me back up when I fall. 


I know this is a lot. And I for sure could keep going. But this post is getting pretty long so I’ll end it here. 


Goodbye for now my darlings. 

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