Fear

Fear.

Such a small word. Such a big emotion. Fear keeps us trapped. Fear keeps us silent. Fear makes us think and feel and behave in ways we normally wouldn’t.

According to Google, fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Ok now go back and reread that definition. No really, read it again.

In case you’re like some people I know that won’t be told what to do - let me write it again for dramatic effect and to emphasize my point.

“Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

This doesn’t say that fear is an emotion caused by someone or something that is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or is a threat… it says it’s the belief that someone or something is those things. That one little word completely changes the definition.

Please hear me in this. I know that fear can be real and intense and debilitating. Life can be scary and dangerous. People can be really bad. We can get hurt and abused and damaged. I am not taking away from legitimate fears and legitimate problems in the world. I see the pain that those genuine fears cause every single day with the people I work with. But for the sake of this blog post, I want to look at my life and the fears that I have been giving power to that I shouldn’t be.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. It stems from this dang race. I’ve been struggling. The closer the race actually gets, the bigger my fear has become. I am afraid that my body isn’t going to be able to handle it. I’m afraid that I’ll move at a turtle pace. I’m afraid that it’s going to hurt. I’m afraid that I will let myself, and the people I love, down.

I expected these runs to get easier – but recently it feels like each run is a FIGHT. Now that could be because I’ve been dabbling in some ice-cream lately, but I also recognize that I am putting my body through a lot. More than it’s ever done before. I’m pushing it to the limits so logically I know that it’s ok that this isn’t easy – but my fear of inadequacy and inability are rising all the same.

So yes, this race is bringing up my fears and insecurity. But if I’m honest, I’ve lived off of a baseline of fear for most of my life. And honestly I’m not really sure why. I’ve been fiercely protected and loved since the day I was born.

But I have been afraid. Not of sharks or tornadoes, but of rejection, failure, shortcomings, and that my best just wont ever be good enough. And I see how flawed that way of thinking is. I see how that fear has kept me from so much. I see how it has limited me. There have been so many things that I haven't done because I was afraid.  I have believed in the power of those fears, so they have had power over me.

I’m sick of it. Fear is a trap. Fear is a cage. Fear is the enemy of my forward movement.

I just got back from a self-defense class with some work friends. I learned a lot of basic skills and had an enjoyable experience. The instructor said something that really stood out to me. She said “It’s hard to defend yourself when you’re not facing your attacker. You have to face the fight.” I love that. It’s true when you’re defending yourself from a dangerous bad guy, but its also true when you’re confronting a character flaw or area you want to grow. It will be hard to defend myself against my fear if I don’t face it. It’s not fun or comfortable but the only way to win a fight is to engage in it. I have to realize that I have allowed fear to have more power of me that I’m willing to give it. I have to stand in front of that fear and address it head on. No ignoring. No pretending it’s not there.

So that’s what I’m doing. Sharing this post is one of many steps I am taking. I refuse to give fear the upper hand. I will fight against all those insecurities. I will not be afraid. Of this race. Of my future. Because I know who I am and Whose I am.

I have less than 3 weeks till the big race. That’s crazy and overwhelming. And it’s causing fear to rise. But I am fighting.  I’m going to face my fears and attack them head on.